


One Last Time

by invisible_slytherin



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Angst, Drawings, Hopeful Ending, Lack of Communication, M/M, The last 2 weeks from eliotts perspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-11-13 15:09:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18034031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/invisible_slytherin/pseuds/invisible_slytherin
Summary: Eliott doesn’t know how to reach out anymore, doesn’t even know if there is a way to solve this. There probably isn’t.Or, the one where Eliott tries to reach out only to be constantly shut down. (Basically, the last weeks from Eliott's perspective.)





	One Last Time

Eliott had always known what it felt like to be lonely. He had never had many friends and had always preferred to be by himself instead of surrounded by other kids. Having people around him always put some pressure on him, to try and act natural, to hide things about himself, not to be vulnerable. It was hard. Being alone was so much easier, it seemed like the best option every day.

 

However, as much as he was used to being alone, he didn’t think he had ever felt quite like this. Quite as alone and as resentful as he was feeling right now. This time it felt worse than loneliness, it felt like he was broken inside and out. 

 

He couldn’t help but blame himself for the way things were right now. It  _ was  _ his fault after all. He was the one who had walked away from Lucas, he had been the one who had thrown what they had shared out the window and had let it shatter on the concrete floor below.

 

He had chosen to walk away and protect his heart when he had heard Lucas say that he didn’t  _ need any crazy people in his life _ . Eliott had chosen to protect himself from the heartbreak that would eventually come when Lucas found out the truth about him and left him, and he had chosen to spare Lucas the burden of dealing with someone like him. 

 

It had seemed like the best idea at the time, the best idea to keep them both as far away from heartbreak as possible. But he hadn’t anticipated the heartbreak that would come with the decision he had made. He hadn’t anticipated that only after a few weeks of knowing him, he would already be missing Lucas so much. He hadn’t anticipated that Lucas would leave such a big blank space in his life. He had simply thought that they would be able to forget each other and move on, but it had been foolish. It was impossible to forget Lucas and all their memories. 

 

So, he went back to Lucille in a moment of vulnerability. Because Lucille was familiar. She knew him as well as he knew himself, if not better. She knew how to deal with him, how to act around him when he was feeling low and when he was feeling high. She was like the blanket a child uses for protection against the monsters under the bed. He had thought that if he went back to her, things would go back to the way they were before, the way they were before Lucas. But they didn’t. Lucille might have been the one in his arms, but Lucas was the one on his mind and on his heart.

 

He had ended things for good with her after that. She might have been a safety blanket before, but now being with her only made him more anxious and guilty and sad. Because it didn’t feel right. She didn’t feel right. 

 

And then, without Lucille in the picture, he was more alone than ever before. He didn’t have her, he didn’t have Lucas and he didn’t even have any friends in school, so he was destined to walk alone all the time. And maybe that was what he deserved.

 

Eliott struggled not to go to Lucas and talk to him every time he saw him in school on Monday. Especially when Lucas had seemed so down and almost as lonely as Eliott felt. It had been hard to watch from afar Lucas looking so hurt, but Eliott couldn’t interfere, he would make it worse because he was one of the crazy people Lucas didn’t need in his life. Lucas was better off without him.

 

It was best for the both them. 

 

Eliott had to keep reminding himself of that, or else he would end up doing something that he would regret sooner or later and he couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t let himself give into the desire to hug Lucas and kiss him and just be with him again. He couldn’t and he wouldn’t. Both for his heart and for Lucas.

 

With those thoughts in mind, he had managed, although barely, to stay away through Lucas looking hurt and down and alone and broken. It hurt to see him like that, but he couldn’t go to him or he would make it worse. He couldn’t. He couldn’t.

 

But Eliott was confused. He couldn’t understand why Lucas looked so down and broken-hearted. It’s not like Eliott was that important. He was just a guy and Lucas could do so much better. 

 

So, why did Lucas look like he could cry with every step that he took? He shouldn’t be feeling like that, he didn’t deserve to feel like that. Lucas should be happy and laughing, that’s what he deserved and what Eliott wanted for him.

 

So, why wasn’t he happy and laughing? 

 

This was not what was supposed to happen, but, if Lucas was truly that sad because Eliott had left then Eliott would make sure he knew he cared. Lucas deserved to know that people cared about him and that he was loved. 

 

In theory, it had seemed like a good idea in Eliott’s mind. 

 

He would tell Lucas that he cared, that he hadn’t really meant it when he said that they were going too fast and he needed time and he would tell him that Lucas was always on his mind. 

 

He wanted to say all of that, he wanted to reach out and make sure Lucas knew that Eliott truly cared for him despite his actions, that he only couldn’t be with him because Lucas didn’t deserve the burden of having to deal with someone like him. 

 

Because his heart didn’t really matter that much as long as Lucas was happy, right? 

 

At first, Eliott hadn’t known how to reach out. He couldn’t just go up to Lucas and talk to him, he wasn’t brave enough to do that, especially when Lucas looked so angry and disappointed. Eliott couldn’t bear the thought that he was part of the reason why Lucas was feeling like that, he couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to be on the receiving end of such a broken look. He would never be able to handle that.

He had sat on his bed for hours, staring at the wall in front of him and waiting for some idea to appear magically to him. He had tried writing his thoughts in order to explain to Lucas what he was feeling and why he had done what he had done, but it just didn’t feel right. He tried drawing after that, but his drawings weren’t good enough. It didn’t feel like they were enough. Nothing seemed to be enough.

The trash can next to his desk started filling with crumpled papers as the hours passed, it filled faster than ever before. Eliott wrote and drew just to crumple every piece of paper and throw it away afterwards. Nothing looked good and nothing sounded good. There was always something wrong with whatever he put on the paper, there was always something that didn’t fit, something that needed to go away. 

 

It was frustrating. Eliott felt tears of frustration and desperation come to his eyes. He needed to find a way. He needed to let Lucas know that he cared. Because he did care and right now Lucas didn’t know that and he was mad and Lucas should be happy. Eliott had to find a way.

 

But it still wasn’t right. So, the paper kept getting wet with tears and the trash kept being filled with crumpled paper and Eliott’s heart kept breaking.

 

___

Finally. 

 

Finally, after hours and hours of sitting in the same place without being able to get anything good enough onto the paper, Eliott was able to draw something that showed the way he felt. 

 

Two little drawings side by side comparing realities like Lucas had done in that blissful Saturday morning when they had been so, so happy, when the world had seemed like a better place and everything had tasted easy and ethereal.

The first drawing was their reality. His raccoon looked scared to approach the little, angry hedgehog that was walking in front of him; the spitting image of Eliott on Monday morning, trying to find the courage to talk to Lucas but letting the opportunity pass by without catching it. 

 

The second drawing showed the perfect reality, the one that Eliott wished he was living. The raccoon and the hedgehog were talking to each other and they looked happy and relieved. In that reality, Eliott had seized his opportunity and had run towards his destiny.

 

In that reality, Eliott was happy and had Lucas in his arms. In this reality, Eliott had to live with the consequences of his own actions.

 

___

On Tuesday, Eliott had gone to school with hope in his heart. In his mind, he had believed that he would be able to give Lucas his drawing and that things would be okay. Lucas would stop looking so sad and Eliott could finally breathe more easily. In his mind, it would work out.

The opportunity to give Lucas the drawing came at lunch break. Lucas was in the line for the cafeteria and Eliott got in line behind him, not really caring about the girl whose place he had just stolen. He needed to talk to Lucas, be near him and give him the drawing, nothing else mattered to him at the moment.

But Lucas had been so hostile when Eliott tried to make conversation. He had said  _ sometimes we have to choose  _ in such a way that Eliott felt like it meant much more than just a comment about the food, it felt like it was directed at him, it felt like an accusation and Eliott couldn’t understand what Lucas meant by it. He had just been talking about the food and suddenly Lucas was telling him something he didn’t understand and now he was more confused than ever. 

 

What had he done? 

He just wanted Lucas to talk to him but Lucas was mad at him for some reason he didn’t understand and he didn’t know how to make it better. 

 

He managed to slip the drawing into Lucas’ pocket without him noticing. It was probably because Lucas was so mad and closed off on himself, so focused on getting away from Eliott that he hadn’t paid attention to the moment Eliott carefully put it in Lucas’ jacket.

 

Now, the only thing left to do was wait for Lucas to see it and hope that he understood what Eliott wanted to tell him.

 

___

 

Lucas hadn’t seen the drawing. 

 

Or that was what Eliott chose to believe instead of thinking that maybe Lucas had seen it and had just chosen to ignore it. That possibility hurt more than Lucas not having seen it yet. 

 

He spent the weekend sitting at his desk, exactly like he had done on Monday night, trying to convey into the paper what he was feeling. It was still difficult and there had definitely been some papers thrown to the trash, but it had taken him fewer tries than the last one had done. 

 

He had ended up with another comparision of realities. It felt like a subject that brought them together and it helped Eliott express himself. This time, the first one, the one of their reality showed a raccoon looking comparison his phone with clearly sad eyes, his ears were down in a reflection of his mood and his phone was empty. In some other reality, the racoon had gotten a text in answer to the first drawing he had given the hedgehog. The phone showed a text conversation and the raccoon was happy, he was smiling and his ears were perked up. 

 

They were contrasting just like last time and Eliott wished that that alternate Eliott who had gotten Lucas’ text was as happy as this Eliott desired to be. 

 

On Monday, Eliott put the new drawing inside Lucas’ biology book while he was in PE. He felt a spark of hope that maybe this time Lucas would answer, and he tried to prevent himself from letting that spark fade away. Lucas would talk to him. He would.

 

_____

  
  


Lucas hadn’t reached out about the drawing. It was as if he had never seen them or had chosen to ignore them. At this point, Eliott’s childish hope was starting to fade and he was leaning more towards the last option. 

 

He can’t even draw anymore. It’s as if his mind was suddenly so empty, nothing could come out of it. He feels numb with confusion and desperation to go back in time. Why does this have to hurt so bad? He had only tried to make the best decision, why did he have to be punished for it with a broken heart?

 

He wants to be with Lucas so bad. Maybe leaving hadn’t been the best option, after all. If he was hurting so much and Lucas was walking around looking broken too, even though he looked better than last week, then maybe Eliott’s solution had done more harm than good. 

 

But it was impossible to turn back time and change what had been done. How could he get Lucas back after all this? He had tried with drawings, with showing his point of view but it wasn’t working?

 

Why wasn’t it working?

 

Eliott could feel the desperation well up inside of him as the time passed without any sign of communication from Lucas’ side. He wanted him so bad. But he couldn’t have him because he had messed things up while trying to make them better.

 

Eliott doesn’t know how to reach out anymore, doesn’t even know if there is a way to solve this. There probably isn’t.

 

So, he keeps on letting his chance escape through his fingers. Keeps on letting his destiny slip away. Watches Lucas from afar in school and doesn’t make any more moves to talk to him or give him another drawing. Because it doesn’t matter, Lucas clearly doesn’t want him, so, Eliott won’t do anything else.

 

He hasn’t even drawn anything to post on his Instagram or to put on his wall in days. Lucas doesn’t care about his drawings, Lucas is hurting because of what Eliott had done even though he shouldn’t be hurting and Eliott is frustrated and sad. No drawings would ever be able to convey all those feelings. Even if he could put them onto the paper if he tried, Eliott didn’t even have the energy to grab what he needed and draw. He didn’t have the energy for anything. 

 

He had thought that he had been hurt enough when Lucas had made his comment about ‘crazy people’ but, apparently, that had only been the preparation for the sadness that was hitting him now. The pain that was consuming him from missing Lucas so much.

 

But, above all, Eliott was still desperate to make Lucas see that he was cared for and loved. Therefore, in one last act of desperation, Eliott opened his Instagram and searched for the boy that had been burned on his mind and on his heart for weeks and tried to get Lucas to notice him one last time.

 

_ srodulv is now following lucallemant  _

  
  
  



End file.
